I guess blogging should come naturally to me simply because this is exactly how I talk to myself everyday. Crazy? Yeaaahhh…. But it's actually one of the things that keep me at a safe distance from that "thin line". And so my thoughts as of late confuse me, yet reveal quite a lot of things about me. I've decided to write them down knowing that in the future, I'm sure I would like an explanation of why I am what I have become. I would very easily visit this blog and be enlightened by my past self. More purpose to keep up with this blog.
See, this is what I have observed. The very weekend after I've rediscovered my controversial blog written 6 years ago, the very weekend after I reactivated my blog by writing the blog that would allow me to get out of the rut I was in and back into the always open arms and love of my Savior, in that very weekend was indeed Valentines’ Day. Single as I am, with no prospects of a date, I was very satisfied with my plans for that weekend. Dinner and karaoke with single friends after coffee over Bible study with a dear friend. Then, lunch the next day at a party at my colleague's house then dinner with my family. My valentine’s weekend was quite full and planned. But 5 very fateful seconds was enough to shake the core of my conviction that I am not ready for a relationship, that i am definitely not looking to satisfy one of my heart’s desires.
February 13, 2010 - After my series of appointments that day, had a wonderful time explaining a new system of saving money to a few of my colleagues, culminated a few business transactions in the afternoon, learned my last appointment cancelled, i decided to head to the mall where my friend and i were to meet for a bible study. I figured I had a lot of things in my head and tasks that needed to be thought through, so I was grateful my last appointment was postponed. I reached the mall, headbanging in the cab. I needed coffee. I just took medicine for colds because my throat was sore and I was to sing in church the next day. So I decided to go to coffee bean, my favorite place to just sit alone and think through my day, my week, my life. Between starbucks and coffee bean, without a doubt, I’d pick coffee bean. I love the ambiance. It's not noisy, the people coming in are there for a purpose whether it’s to meet for business or play games on their computer. Carrying my handbag and a huge green duffel bag which contained my business essentials, I carefully made my way through the little bit crowded coffee shop. I caught sight of an empty table, situated at a corner. I thought
"Perfect! Just the privacy I needed!"
It was a bit close to where the restroom was, but what the hey, i thought. All the other corner tables were taken. It's better than being in the middle of where everyone is.
"Perfect!" I thought again...
Just as I was choreographing my moves so I don't knock down any coffee cup on my way to my table, I almost bump into this guy who was just exiting the restroom. I looked up with a ready smile as I was ready to literally make bumps and prospect anybody interesting for business.
My eyes shone as they gazed into a really gorgeous pair of eyes. Then my focus shifted to a really amazing supercute smile.
"Perfect!" My heart sighed...
He went on his way, I went to my table. I sat for a bit enough to rest my arms. Then decided to head on to the counter and order my coffee. Still recovering from sore arms and legs, I wobbled my way to the counter, and guess who I meet again? Gorgeous eyes and supercute smile. And guess what else? I'm lining up after him!
So I quietly, in an as-if-I-didn't-care kind of way, stood behind him, waited for my turn,
looked up to the menu board, tried to decide on what I was going to order. Gorgeous eyes and supercute smile turned around and looked at me. He smiled. I smiled. He looked back. Turned around again and whispered,
"I like your necklace"... to that I said, "Thank you!" (so he likes my necklace... I wonder what else he lik...)
My thoughts were cut off when he turned to me again and asked,
"So, where are you from?" to which I replied, "Just from here"
"from Cebu?"… "yes, from Cebu."
I guess he asked because from the way he looks and talks, he wasn't from this country.
It was now his turn to order. After he was done, I was next. He went to his table, didn't really know where that was. Then, I went to mine... which may I remind you was the corner table right across where the restroom was.
And so while I was doing my work, I somehow quietly waited for the caffeine from the coffee he was drinking to kick in and send him to the restroom. But I guess he had a high tolerance bladder because he apparently didn’t need to use the restroom.
I was still early. My friend wouldn't be arriving soon. I scouted the coffeeshop for a better corner table. I saw a few people lining up for the restroom, people coming in and going. Then finally, the Korean family occupying one corner table got up and left, so I quickly transferred my books and bags there. I tried not to think of gorgeous eyes and supercute smile. I probably wouldn't bump into him.... ever in my life. So there's really no point in finding him. I tried to finish what I could from my list of tasks. Just then, I caught a glimpse of the gorgeous eyebrows that framed those gorgeous eyes. It was him, sitting far from me, but still in the coffee shop, reading... I think. I put on my glasses just to check if it was him. And it really was gorgeous eyes and supercute smile. After a few minutes, I saw him get up from his table and went out the door.
So much for our exchange of smiles and little conversation. That would be the end of a short-lived mutual appreciation... me for his eyes and smile, him, for my... umm... necklace. I saw him standing outside the glasswall of the coffee shop, then he walked away. Now, I guess I really should forget about him.
And so about 30 minutes later, my friend walked in. She offered to order another drink for me. I chose tea since I was feeling a little cold. She went to the counter, leaving me all alone again at my table. Just then, I saw a familiar face, with gorgeous eyes and supercute smile, walk in the coffee shop and went straight to the queue for the restroom. When he got to the line, he looked around, and I as looked up(riiight…. like I didn’t see him come in), he saw me, he smiled. I smiled back. I guess we became mutual friends from all those smile exchanges we've already had.
I decided to get back to what I was doing... but I was extremely conscious that he was somehow right there, right in the middle of my peripheral vision. Just then, the unexpected happened. "unexpected" simply, because it doesn't happen a lot here in a very conservative country like the Philippines and it’s never happened to me. He ditched the line, and headed toward my direction.
I thought he was going to ask me to watch his bag while he was going to line up. But what he said was actually, quite unbelievable... He said...
"I don’t do this a lot, but i was wondering if I could ask you out to dinner sometime.."
I was shocked. So shocked that I only managed to say, regretfully now that I thought about it...
"It doesn't happen a lot to me as well, so I'm not very comfortable with it..."
He was, I believe, taken aback, confused, if I remembered correctly... then he headed toward the door. but before he went out he looked at me again... I smiled, he smiled...
and that was that...
So for you who's reading, whoever you are... no need to count on an exciting twist to this story... because this is where it ends... I didn't see him again... and sad enough, there's a higher possibility of never seeing him again.... My bible study the following Saturday took me again to that mall... but no sign of him.
I'm normally trained to start conversations with anybody, and get numbers... but that one time left me unprepared. I wasn’t even able to get his number, or email address... Oh my, I don't even have his name!!! So I guess I will simply have to remember him as gorgeous eyes and supercute smile. But really he was quite brave to go out of his comfort zone and talk to me and ask me out... and even smile after I just rejected him. I should've even invited him to stay... or even to the singles event I was actually organizing the Tuesday after that... but I was speechless. I’m almost never at a loss for words, but I guess there’s a time for everything. Then I thought if he had asked for my number or email address, I definitely would've given it. But dinner.... was a little out of my league… or was it?
Now that seriously got me thinking. I was organizing a singles speed dating event for the Valentines season so singles can have a proactive option of an approach in dealing with their love lives... But was I even ready to date? All this time I was organizing this event, I've been calling "denial of our desire to date, now that we're old enough to" a hypocrisy. But actually, deep down, I was the one who still allowed myself to be trapped in that hypocrisy.
So now, I actually have, for lack of a name, "brave man with gorgeous eyes and supercute smile" to thank for having opened my eyes to this truth about myself. If a gorgeous guy like him would ask me out again, I probably still wouldn't go all out to dinner right away, but coffee is definitely better for me, lesser stuff on the table to think about, not have to worry about which utensil to use... but good conversation over coffee would be best for a first than dinner.
If I could change how that scene ended, and this is definitely one of the very few moments in my past that I would love to change, I would say...
"I really appreciate that you noticed me. I am a little uncomfortable with dinner... but I would love to have coffee…"
Now, I'll just have to rehearse that line over and over so that it comes out of me naturally, whether I see it coming or not.
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